There's No Place Like The Cabaret
by Glass Vial
Summary: When DG convinces the others to experience the nightlife of the Central City they stumble upon something decidedly odd much to poor Glitch's mortification. For Steph. Implied DGxGlitch.


This fic is dedicated to Steph - my fellow Alan-obsessor and innuendo-spotter - who actually inspired this. We watched SyFy's Tin Man together (which stars Alan Cumming as Glitch, as you all know) and then not long after that I discovered Sam Mendes' 1994 and 1998 productions of Kander and Ebb's Cabaret (you know, the film has Liza Minnelli in?) from the West End's Donmar Warehouse and Broadway's Studio 54 respectively. The Donmar production can be found easily on youtube, and the Broadway one has a soundtrack CD. I discovered this thanks to one tiny little piece of information - dear Alan plays the Master of Ceremonies (or 'Emcee') in both of these productions. And he does it _brilliantly_. The role was originally performed by none other than Joel Grey, and making the role your own after it was done so well by him is probably something akin to what Matt Smith is facing with Doctor Who currently. But Alan's Emcee is, while still being the same character, much raunchier than Joel's (the whole revival show is raunchier than the film, to be fair!) - which has made for some _interesting_ plot bunnies to say the least! So inspired by this I bring you, the Tin Man fans of FF, a rather odd crossover. This will make so much more sense if you see the Donmar Cabaret, so I'd recommend you check that out! Just type in what you deem to be a relevant search on youtube (or if you're feeling lazy, shoot me a PM and I'll link you!). I'll shut up in a moment, but just a little note: Bold will tell you when they're singing. Right, on with the show!

* * *

DG was bouncing on the balls of her feet as she waited for the others to catch up with her. This was the first proper night of fun she'd been allowed since her return to the O.Z and she was determined to enjoy it. She had convinced her parents to let herself and Azkadelia sample some of the Central City's nightlife - on the condition that Cain, Jeb, Raw and Glitch accompanied them. DG didn't really mind about the Glitch part, though. Not that she was quite ready to admit that aloud.

The club she was standing outside now was where they had met the Mystic Man, but in the month or so since then it had been on the receiving end of a significant revamp. Now it was a cabaret club - something she remembered from her life on the Other Side and films like Moulin Rouge.

Glitch was the first to reach her, and she grabbed his arm to pull him inside the club.

"Hey, Deej, calm down." He laughed, a fond smile forming on his face. "The club is still going to be here if we wait for the others." The younger princess pouted at him, and he shook his head. "All right, all right."

He held the door open for her and they then found their way to the only empty table - which was, conveniently, directly in front of the stage. The others joined them moments later, and Jeb offered to go to the bar.

"You can't carry them all yourself." Cain pointed out to his son, but inwardly commending his enthusiasm. He knew a night of singing and dancing wasn't particularly high on his son's list of 'enjoyable ways to spend a Saturday night'.

"I'll help." Glitch offered, and he and Jeb wove their way through the other tables to the bar. They reached it just as the lights dimmed and the music started.

A hand poked through the curtains and beckoned the spotlight towards it. A black clad figure emerged from behind the curtain, and as the spotlight moved up to illuminate the smirking face that belonged to it all those who were sat around the front table let out a collective gasp.

"**Willkommen, bienvenue, welcome! Fremde, etranger, stranger!"**

It was at this point that Glitch and Jeb returned with the drinks. They both looked confused at the expressions on their friends faces - which ranged from abject horror (Azkadelia) to unhidden amusement (Cain).

"**Glucklich zu sehen, je suis enchante! Happy to see you!"**

"Why are you all looking so . . .?" Jeb trailed off as he looked up at the stage, and the burst into laughter.

"**Bleibe, reste, stay!**"

Cain turned his head to smirk at Glitch. "So zipperhead, at what point in your clouded and decidedly odd past did you make a German clone of yourself to be the Master of Ceremonies at a cabaret club?"

"**Willkommen, bienvenue, welcome! Im cabaret, au cabaret, to cabaret! **Meine Damen und Herren, Mesdames et Messieurs, Ladies . . ."

The man noticed Glitch, raised an eyebrow and winked. Glitch looked up at the stage, mildly horrified and desperately trying to remember when and how this had happened. Jeb and Cain were sniggering to themselves - like father like son, after all - while Raw placed a sympathetic paw on Glitch's arm.

"And Gentlemen! Guten abend! Bonsoir! Good evening! Wie geht's? Comment ca va? Do you feel good? Ja, I bet you do! Ich bin euer Confrecier, je suis votre compere - I am your host! Und sagen - **Willkommen, bienvenue, welcome! Im cabaret, au cabaret, to cabaret!"**

The two sisters took their eyes off the Glitch-alike on the stage to exchange a look.

"Well well well." Azkadelia's initial horror had been replaced by a knowing smirk. "I think my little sister needs a cold shower right about now, hm?"

DG bit her lip to hide her smile and her eyes travelled back to the performer, who was now mid-way through another spiel in his accented voice.

". . .Here, life is beautiful! The girls are beautiful! Even the orchestra is beautiful!" He gestured to the balcony above the stage and the orchestra began an instrumental piece.

And as they did that, the man began to remove his black leather trench coat.

The occupants of the front table _gaped_.

"And you go on about my trousers, you hypocrite!" Cain exclaimed wickedly, hitting Glitch's shoulder.

Glitch let out a moan and buried his head in his arms. His doppelganger was wearing black trousers, black boots, a black bow tie and white suspenders. That was it. Almost nothing was left to the imagination thanks to the low waistband of the trousers and the . . . Distinct _lack_ of a shirt.

Az leant over to whisper something to DG. Jeb heard it too and promptly began laughing so loudly that the occupants of the nearby tables started to look over at him and he had to stuff his sleeve in his mouth to quieten himself down. He was quickly distracted from Glitch's latest humiliation though, because now their host was introducing six scantily clad young women to the audience.

"Oh I knew this was a bad idea." Glitch stood up, but was instantly dragged back down again by the former Tin Man sat to his right.

"You think you're getting out of this one? You really _are_ stupid."

"You're getting some kind o-of sick thrill out of this, aren't you?" Glitch stammered indignantly. Cain simply grinned at him.

"Shh!" Azkadelia and DG hissed at exactly the same moment. Since the witch's defeat the sisters had become ridiculously close. The others were half-convinced they were going to start finishing each others sentences.

The two men stopped their quiet argument as the performers on the stage began to whisper. The host was directly in front of the table now, and Glitch was left feeling very uncomfortable again.

"**Wir sagen willkommen, bienvenue, welcome. Fremde, etranger, stranger."**

"Hello stranger." The man grinned at them.

No, Glitch realised. His double was grinning at DG.

"Oh no." He muttered under his breath.

"**Glucklich zu sehen, je suis enchante,"**

DG was startled as he leant over the edge of the stage to pick her hand up off the table and press his lips to it.

"Enchante, Madame." He winked at her.

"**Happy to see you! Bleibe, reste, stay**!"

Azkadelia nudged her little sister.

"Well done Deej!" She giggled. Her sister quickly joined in with her laughter.

Glitch was mortified and quite possibly a little bit distraught, too. Raw, of course, was the only person to pick up on this.

"Part of the act." The Viewer murmured quietly in an attempt to reassure his friend.

"Y-Yeah." Glitch agreed weakly. "That's what it is. S'all part of the act . . ."

* * *

The song in this chapter is '_Willkommen_', the opening number from the show (cut down for practical reasons!)


End file.
